cliché musings

The morning after he posts the article, Ethan sits down at his desk, a cup of warm coffee next to his laptop, and finds several emails in his inbox, all notifications of new comments on Total Talks.

Truly interesting, the first one says, by someone named “loloodear.” Sad more people don’t know about this!

Ethan opens the next message: whoa that’s some creepy shit man

The next messages are similar, all twelve he’s received since he posted the article last night. At the last email (this is literally so wild?? im scared now) he clicks the “View All Comments” link and scrolls to the top of the page. He doesn’t have a view counter, but there is a 102 in a white box under the Facebook icon, and a 25 under the Twitter one. 

He had called it The Real Conspiracy Theory You’ve Never Heard Of. He laughed to himself when he typed it out, and went right into the first line. No, the Earth isn’t flat and we don’t live inside The Matrix, but there are a few things kept hidden from us. 

It was meant to be a joke, and really, Ethan thought that was quite obvious, if not a genius innovation, a kind of commentary not many were willing to attempt. He spent hours at home, constructing articles for his blog on the contradictions of the political climate and the morality of apologizing celebrities. He had a modest following of a hundred something regular readers who seem to be on the educated side and spark civil discussions in comment threads. A satirical piece with a clickbait title shouldn’t be that hard to understand, and his construction, topical humor, and parallels were all on par with The Onion. If there was any story out there that could give him that journalistic edge in a world of media-hating frenzy, this would have been it.

Ethan rubs his temple, ignores the comments, and closes out of the page.

If you never thought that the rise of online social media influencers–YouTubers, Instagram models, even short-lived Viners–was suspicious, you might want to think again. Their popularity and fame were sudden, their riches piling up fast, and “influencers” may not just be another formal job description. In fact, many of these self-made, minor celebrities have interesting ties to government workers, all over the world.

The way it finally happens is not the way he expects.

The comments and Facebook shares continue to rise. Ethan gets the emails, sees all the how did you find out about this???? and I’m not going to be able to see the world the same, and has a pulse of a headache each time. His other emails get lost in the stampede, where all of the Gmail banners blur into New Comment: The Real Conspiracy Theory You… and he has to turn off notifications for the app on his phone. A friend, Matt, even sends him a screenshot one day, the link to the article on his Facebook feed, in between a wedding photo and a post about how there’s so much hate in the world today. 

Haha look!! Matt says. You’ve reached blog writer fame. 

Ethan can only focus on the caption to the link, written by Kathleen Richards, according to Facebook. This really just opened my eyes. These people are influencing our kids to make horrible decisions. Get real jobs!! A few, simple sentences, right above The Real Conspiracy You’ve Never Heard Of by Ethan Bloomington.

Ethan texts back, Not really sure how to feel about that lol

And then, on a Monday morning a few weeks later, Dane Seghers with two million followers, complete with a blue checkmark next to his name, tweets No, us Youtubers are not employed by the government and some laughing emojis, attached with another fancy link to The Real Conspiracy You’ve Never Heard Of. The replies are mostly that’s what a government agent would say and GIFs Ethan doesn’t understand, but every few messages are mixed with @Ethan_Bloom.

Ethan tweets something about understanding tone over the Internet, rubs his temple, and makes another cup of coffee. By the end of the month, his follower count climbs into the thousands and he’s notified that subscribers to the Total Talks mailing list are on a steady rise. His comments burst with waves of how do i block out these government social media influencers i’m terrified for my children and yo bro when’s your next theory coming out?? and no reasonable questions can be distinguished from the swarm of emojis and pictures in his Twitter mentions.

Ethan drinks his coffee while reading the email from the Flat Earth Society, who tell him his piece was quite an inspiring read (and that also the Earth actually is flat, would he like to learn more?) and has to finish off two cups before he opens the message from Buzzfeed, requesting an interview for their story on the “Government Internet Influencers” conspiracy theory.When he finally posts on Total Talks again, Ethan pours some coffee and titles the article The 5 Ways We’re Censored by the Government, with a dull pounding in the base of his skull, and a horde of excited emails that pop into his inbox.